Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Bond. Trauma bond.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit