mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Strange
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.