Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
drew a comic about my origin story
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?