6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
synchronized noseblowing