“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?