I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
You Might Also Like
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!