[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.