Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My circle of trust is a meatball
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.