*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
emergency phone
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*