Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Otters see a butterfly.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.