Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Hard not to take this personally
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.