I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…