Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.