Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
The struggle is real
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”