Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
This is my favorite one of these!
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.