Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
smartest karate player in the world
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.