*puts words between two asterisks*
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly