Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.