I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
dictator is short for richard potato
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.