Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You Might Also Like
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Who does Amazon think I am?