Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
they really do be looking like this
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR