CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.