B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.