Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.