her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.