Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.