Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
grotesque if literal: baby food
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there