A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.