[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.