GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.