Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.