Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Sorry I made promises on Friday
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.