Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex