It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
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Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up