I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.