therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.