“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.