Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”