You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany