Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you