[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
i actually laughed 😩
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.