I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.