Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.