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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”