“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means