Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.