Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
You Might Also Like
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!