If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
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My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A friend sent me this.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway