A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
According to math, I’m broke
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS