The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho